Saddest day of my life?

My dad just pass away.
It's expected, but it still hurts.
Actually I thought I am able to write a lot of stuffs out cuz I wanna remember the moment. But right now I am too emotional to write anything.
Maybe because it's at those night where you get more emo easily?
Now I'm feeling the 'realization hits hard' kind of thing.
Guess I shall post more detailed the next time.

Conflicted.

Been wanting to post but I hardly at time to use laptop nowadays.

It has been 2 months. Just 2 days ago it was dad's birthday. At least we manage to celebrate his 72nd Birthday. Last week, I was feeling stressed up. And I break down. Because I was feeling tired of the life I've been through. I just feel. down. And the nurse Rachel say it's better to bring dad to the hospice because we couldn't really take care of him. Well it's true, with me being in TEP and mum working, only my younger sister 'taking care' of him. So maybe it's because he going to the hospice, which means lesser time seeing him. So I feel down. 

On thursday, I went drinking with Vaney they all. Well I really got drunk, really drunk till Idk what I did. I guess it was good? Cuz I never tried before and the feeling was, somehow I am able to forget everything and relax. But the after effect is really, I don even rmb when I throw away my contacts sia. Somehow scary though. 

On his birthday, which is the next day, we went to Dover Park Hospice, I always thought it's at Dover, so it is actually at Novena. So far. Then when we see him, he scolded us, Lol so in the end we bring him home. He say ‘都什么时候了。。吓死你们啊。’ I think he meant if he passed away at the hospice we would be shocked. Well I'm just glad he's back home now.

Then he keep saying things like he cannot hang on any longer. Hmmm.. I know by now I should have been mentally prepared. But it's still difficult. 

After so long, actually my relationship with my dad is not as close as when I was younger. I .. whenever money was involved, our relationship got worse. All these years... But actually deep down, of course I still love him. He's my dad afterall. 

Sin Bao feel that I was not really looking happy, he keep telling me to be happy. But at that time, I was really just feeling tired, because I slept less than 6 hours for that few days. 

Then I got stressed, cuz my dad moving to hospice. And.... when he tell me to smile, I really need it. 

Then.. Vaney saw this image I put as my lockscreen. She say so emo ah. There's someone posted a image of this with the words "In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself."

I went to search what is solitude, because my english is not really that good. So I went to search and it means in a state or situation of being alone. I find that these words suit me perfectly. Because I want to try be positive with my own strength. But it's difficult, I need people to give me strength too. This year is sort of my difficult year. 

A month has passed

It's been about a month since I know about Dad issue. I am just glad that he still able to spend more time with us. I guess I feel mentally prepared. So I can do it when the time comes right?

I am having study break now but I couldn't concentrate.
I just realize that if I wanna make this blog more alive, maybe I can post new things that I have done for the day, if I have one.
And I think my life is kind of boring. I keep wondering if I should go study further or I should just start working. If studying further is still the same thing as I am experiencing now, then I rather go work and start earning some money instead of wasting money on studying further.
Because I have to help mum to pay bills and taking care of 2 younger sisters.
I even want to travel the world, so I guess start working earlier is better?
I don't think I am able to work for a bank? job for very long, so I guess I don't get a degree then, it's not what I really wanna pursue in my life anyway.
So .... I guess I am gonna stop studying after this diploma and earn money instead.
I wanna learn investment so that I can invest and earn big bucks!! Because I wanna earn the money!!

I always plan but it always go out of the hand hahah
Soooooo I hope after exams, I will be having TEP and Intern. During TEP days I am gonna work hard and earn money, focus on my health and organizing my life better.

RIP HamHam

Tonight is the night when HamHam passed away. It was Kevin pet hamster, he has been with Kevin about 2 years plus. He said that he went home very late and didn't get to see HamHam for the last time. He said HamHam didn't close his eyes and even got tears. He must be waiting for Kevin to come back. He said it was so sudden, he thought HamHam can survive about 3 years plus. It reminds me of how it happened to me too, not knowing dad will be like this too. At least I know how long dad is able to be still with us. It was already fortunate. But I still hope that it was all a dream.

My dad birthday is on 11 Sep. Do you think he's able to make it for his birthday?
It is kind of a difficult period for me. With exams on the 18Aug. Tell me, how do I have the mood and concentration to do it? But I tried my best bah. Then I looked at Dad just now, it was kind of difficult to look at him, cuz he's getting weaker every single day.
IDK if I am able to be like the head of the family. My youngest sis is only 12 this year. I am going to be the father, to take care of the family. It's kind of hard, I can't believe I'm saying this but I miss dad's shouting, because he was so energetic. And now, he couldn't even hardly bring up the energy to say clearly. He decided to pass away at home. It's been 2 weeks plus since knowing about Dad condition..

Anyway RIP Hamham, this post is dedicated for you.

What a week.

I never expect that dad would be so sick. If mum didn't suggest to let dad go hospital on that night..., maybe he would have left us earlier. I must say dad is quite strong. Idk how long he must be feeling pain, doctor say he should have liver cancer for at least a year. Cuz he was diagnosed with advanced liver cancer when we send him to the hospital. It was so sudden, I didn't know it was so serious. Now dad is back home with us, but I see a drastic difference. He became weak, he couldn't even walk. And he speak so soft. I miss those days when he could shout us, always nag at us that we don't bother to take our clean clothes back to our room. And he will only get worse. He won't recover anymore. Idk how long he can spend time with us, but I am glad that at least dad is still with us. I know he is trying hard to live, because he is worried about 3 of us, 3 sisters. I know he worried about the second one the most, because my sister has mild depression. Idk if she can take it. I think when dad is gone, I have to pay extra attention to her, cuz she won't have that person that she can expect to come home from work. She always wait for dad to come home and she is like a kid, maybe cuz she need the attention, she wants someone to care for her. Idk how my 2 younger sisters gonna cope with dad being gone. They seem fine now... but I know they haven't really take in the situation yet. I know by that time I have to be strong, and take the whole responsibility of the family, because my mum is indonesian, there are a lot of things she couldn't understand and need my help.

I have to learn to be stronger, to be more responsible for the family. I am the eldest, I have to take this responsibility. But it is still so sudden. I am only 19. I didn't expect this thing to come so fast. I was hoping that dad could see me graduate from poly at least. :'(

想了这么多的画面，如果爸出事了，该怎么办？明明在心里给自己许多的心里准备。但真的发生的时候，却还是准备不过来。如果晚点送到医院的话，后果真不堪设想。看到爸在医院那么的辛苦，才越发觉得岁月不留人。爸，真的老了。如果真有老天爷的话，请让爸，再留在我们身边多几年。因为他那三个女儿，都还算小吧。最大连21岁都不到。我希望爸到时候，还能陪我过生日。我，真的不会好好珍惜。当爸身体还很健康的时候，我却没好好地陪他。看他那么痛苦，我才发觉到，爸，真的老了。
只原他还有时间陪我们，还能看到小妹毕业于小学。
希望爸，还能健健康康，地陪在我们身边。

Feeling depressed.

I think Soccer gambling has hurt me real bad. It cause me to lose control of myself.After so long, then I finally don wanna bet. Even if I have the money, I would use it to save, cuz the feeling of having no $$ sucks real bad,

This pic is saved in my lock screen. It is to remind myself what I have been through. Finally, I'm gonna tell my bestie about my gambling addiction. I always feel that it's like ruining the image that my bestie they all have of me. But Rannie say no one is perfect. They will accept me for who I am. I admit I change a lot. And I kind of hated myself for it. I should have never ever touch soccer betting. It cause me to lose myself. Is it considered late to regret now? I try not to think about all those losses that I  have made. But thinking about my future had me worrying. I think I need to go buy some self-enrichment books, Especially those that teaches me to be positive about life. I am feeling hopeless. 

At least I know I have friends who care for me. 

I hope the next post would be something happier. 

My dream is getting further and further...

I feel that the dream of traveling, is getting further and further from me.

Even though I can hold the whole world within my grasp, but I couldn't really travel the whole world.

Know what I mean. It feels like I still don't know what I wanna do. I'm 19 already! Yet I anyhow spend, I couldn't save it up. This is frustrating and I am feeling stressed about it. 

I should plan my financial well. Compared to one friend of mine, he owes his brother the sum of money that is paid for his school fees. I am already much better. But I don't know, I always feel that maybe it's because that I am losing so much control of myself, towards gambling. Soccer betting.

I became so addicted, that I feel like this is tearing myself apart. I feel so numb towards gambling already. I am just glad this week I didn't lose any money. Do I still continue?

I feel that I work all those part time jobs are just to have the money to gamble. Actually, I owe my youngest sister a lot of money. So I have to work. My mum also don't give me allowance, maybe I have to ask her cuz I am abit tight in cash right now. 

Idk who I am, what I want anymore. Abit in a confusing state now. What should I do. 

Went to look at my last post, that quote, discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most. Maybe I have to find what I want most, then aim to work towards it. It's hard. Actually I know what my close friend has gone through. But it didn't exactly happen to me so Idk how it really feels. I just know I cannot lose anymore. That's all. 

Let's just see how everything goes till the end of the month. 'Gambler mindset'. 

Will I able get to do that someday?

DAMN 可悲。

It's been a month and ... So much has changed. I have been through a whole hell of a roller coaster life.
In one month, I lose alot of money. I admit, I was obsessed with gambling, thinking I can win back my money. I still do, that is why I'm still playing lol
I don't even dare to tell my family and friends that I lose so much.
Well at least one friend knows about it, cuz he is in the same situation as me, just that he is in a much better condition than I am now, He no longer gambles, or should I say he bet very little now lol.
I am feeling damn shagggggg.
I don't know how to survive but of cuz still can survive.
But I really hate myself for getting into such a mess now.
I couldn't even sleep well, cuz thinking about the money problems.
I start to be a little anti-social, just a little.
I couldn't feel happy. Because I keep worrying about the money problems.
Looking back at the previous post, that one month ago, I was still being optimistic, say what gonna focus on my wellbeing hahah
Hmmmmm ....
So what happens to this one month..
Oh I haven run the 10km Run cuz Our founding father LKY passed away and on that day he was cremated.
It change date to AUG. which mean I still have a long way to go so I can take time to train hehehe
Start of School already, and it has passed one week. There are so many projects :(
I had a big headache for Entrepreneur :( I couldn't think any ideas for my team. Our team is so-so so... oh my, Idk man, Really wanna do well for this module, cuz you can be creative and come up with something that is useful to the society. Ohoh I need to pass up my CV, to prepare for next sem intern. I think that one can take time to do, since the deadline is 25May hahah

Now I don't even feel like going out often. Cuz I no spare money to spend.
I give myself deadline, by End of June at least I must win back a certain amount of money.
I know, I should have stop betting, but I know it really takes a lot of DISCIPLINE to control myself. Because I was too greedy, I did win money at first but I find it little so in the end I lose money instead hahah. So this time, I am going to really control myself cuz I cannot afford to lose anymore. I am being serious.
I really hope My Bursary can get through, cuz I really need the money to pay debts. To my family and friends.

For the next one month, hope by the time I post, it shall be a nice post.
This post is just too ....

Shall end the post with this, give me some motivation.

 

First Time Ever

Last night I went to ZOUK for the first time ever!!!
It was a Good Experience HAHAH
Before we went in to dance, we were drinking at the outside, before it gets ban hahah
cuz no drinking outside after ... can't rmb the timing, starting from 1ST April.
So I started feeling dizzy alr hahaha
Then I get super HIGH heheh
It was fun though, getting abit drunk and feeling the music while dancing.
Though it was damn crowded, but I don feel irritated by it.
It feels as if can relax and just keep dancing！
It was sort of a nice feeling ^^
This month I have been working most of the time.
I keep hoping for next month to come, cuz I wanna get my pay damn badly.
I got no money and I have been borrowing money hahah.
I hope next month will be a better month.
This month I have been to the gym to run, cuz I got 10km at the end of the month, which is next sunday by the way hahah.
This month I have been focusing on my well being.
I hope to be a better person.
I hope to learn more, gain more knowledge on financial stuff.
I also starts to wonder what I want to do in future.
I have been thinking, that's why I wanna improve on my financial intelligence.
I am 19 this year and now then I starts to wonder what I really wanna do in my life.
Hope later the dinner gathering will be a nice one.
Still got about a month to the holidays, I shall take this time, to get to know myself better, what I really want~

Chinese New Year!!

Helloooooooooo

Today is the Lunar New Year!!
Andddd I didn't go out or anything hahah
Hmmm Tomorrow gonna start work. And from tomorrow onwards, I shall start doing what I wanna do, It's gonna be a life changing holidays. Cuz gonna have 10km marathon in about a month time, I realised how unhealthy I was, I haven start exercising for a very long time. Tomorrow onwards, let's hope I can stick to my plan and do it!

Went for a motivational talk?

Last night, BN recommended me a job. She say that it was related to a gaming industry. Having no idea as to what I am gonna do, I just go. Anddddd basically I went for a talk first. It's a newly started network marketing company. So it is to help a game development company to market their games. It just started 5 months ago. Wahh the co-founder of the company is the one who talks and all he say is some.. motivational words. In the end I don't even know what it is about. Hmmm, so BN's friend ask tell me more. Till now I still don really get it and I guess he gonna meet me again. :/

So Today is Valentines Day!! Happy Valentines to all!!

As usual, this day I never get to celebrate it hahah, hope one day I get to celebrate it :P

Recently I got addicted to these Chinese songs, I always love Jay Chou songs hahah

Maybe it's time to stop being a lazybum and think about my life.
I still got one more year to graduate from poly~
Got a lot of advice yesterday. Actually no point in hoping that I can do it but telling myself that I must do it. I am too lazy mannnnn, I got to stop this bad habit. :(
I'm 19. And gonna be 20 in a year time. I must change for the better!
I even gonna run marathon with JY sia. 10 km lehh, got to start running soonnnnnn

This is how I feel now siaaaaa, I need to grow up anyway. Time to be more responsible.