Feeling depressed.

I think Soccer gambling has hurt me real bad. It cause me to lose control of myself.After so long, then I finally don wanna bet. Even if I have the money, I would use it to save, cuz the feeling of having no $$ sucks real bad,

This pic is saved in my lock screen. It is to remind myself what I have been through. Finally, I'm gonna tell my bestie about my gambling addiction. I always feel that it's like ruining the image that my bestie they all have of me. But Rannie say no one is perfect. They will accept me for who I am. I admit I change a lot. And I kind of hated myself for it. I should have never ever touch soccer betting. It cause me to lose myself. Is it considered late to regret now? I try not to think about all those losses that I  have made. But thinking about my future had me worrying. I think I need to go buy some self-enrichment books, Especially those that teaches me to be positive about life. I am feeling hopeless. 

At least I know I have friends who care for me. 

I hope the next post would be something happier. 

My dream is getting further and further...

I feel that the dream of traveling, is getting further and further from me.

Even though I can hold the whole world within my grasp, but I couldn't really travel the whole world.

Know what I mean. It feels like I still don't know what I wanna do. I'm 19 already! Yet I anyhow spend, I couldn't save it up. This is frustrating and I am feeling stressed about it. 

I should plan my financial well. Compared to one friend of mine, he owes his brother the sum of money that is paid for his school fees. I am already much better. But I don't know, I always feel that maybe it's because that I am losing so much control of myself, towards gambling. Soccer betting.

I became so addicted, that I feel like this is tearing myself apart. I feel so numb towards gambling already. I am just glad this week I didn't lose any money. Do I still continue?

I feel that I work all those part time jobs are just to have the money to gamble. Actually, I owe my youngest sister a lot of money. So I have to work. My mum also don't give me allowance, maybe I have to ask her cuz I am abit tight in cash right now. 

Idk who I am, what I want anymore. Abit in a confusing state now. What should I do. 

Went to look at my last post, that quote, discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most. Maybe I have to find what I want most, then aim to work towards it. It's hard. Actually I know what my close friend has gone through. But it didn't exactly happen to me so Idk how it really feels. I just know I cannot lose anymore. That's all. 

Let's just see how everything goes till the end of the month. 'Gambler mindset'. 

Will I able get to do that someday?