Saddest day of my life?

My dad just pass away.
It's expected, but it still hurts.
Actually I thought I am able to write a lot of stuffs out cuz I wanna remember the moment. But right now I am too emotional to write anything.
Maybe because it's at those night where you get more emo easily?
Now I'm feeling the 'realization hits hard' kind of thing.
Guess I shall post more detailed the next time.

Conflicted.

Been wanting to post but I hardly at time to use laptop nowadays.

It has been 2 months. Just 2 days ago it was dad's birthday. At least we manage to celebrate his 72nd Birthday. Last week, I was feeling stressed up. And I break down. Because I was feeling tired of the life I've been through. I just feel. down. And the nurse Rachel say it's better to bring dad to the hospice because we couldn't really take care of him. Well it's true, with me being in TEP and mum working, only my younger sister 'taking care' of him. So maybe it's because he going to the hospice, which means lesser time seeing him. So I feel down. 

On thursday, I went drinking with Vaney they all. Well I really got drunk, really drunk till Idk what I did. I guess it was good? Cuz I never tried before and the feeling was, somehow I am able to forget everything and relax. But the after effect is really, I don even rmb when I throw away my contacts sia. Somehow scary though. 

On his birthday, which is the next day, we went to Dover Park Hospice, I always thought it's at Dover, so it is actually at Novena. So far. Then when we see him, he scolded us, Lol so in the end we bring him home. He say ‘都什么时候了。。吓死你们啊。’ I think he meant if he passed away at the hospice we would be shocked. Well I'm just glad he's back home now.

Then he keep saying things like he cannot hang on any longer. Hmmm.. I know by now I should have been mentally prepared. But it's still difficult. 

After so long, actually my relationship with my dad is not as close as when I was younger. I .. whenever money was involved, our relationship got worse. All these years... But actually deep down, of course I still love him. He's my dad afterall. 

Sin Bao feel that I was not really looking happy, he keep telling me to be happy. But at that time, I was really just feeling tired, because I slept less than 6 hours for that few days. 

Then I got stressed, cuz my dad moving to hospice. And.... when he tell me to smile, I really need it. 

Then.. Vaney saw this image I put as my lockscreen. She say so emo ah. There's someone posted a image of this with the words "In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself."

I went to search what is solitude, because my english is not really that good. So I went to search and it means in a state or situation of being alone. I find that these words suit me perfectly. Because I want to try be positive with my own strength. But it's difficult, I need people to give me strength too. This year is sort of my difficult year.